What do you do when love fails you? Do you hide away, wishing it never existed?

The loneliness consumes you because you thought you had something special.

What did he look like?

He is handsome. Tall, red undertones beneath the yellow sky. Smart. Did I mention he was handsome? Very resourceful. If he didn’t know something, he would find out. Very gentle, very kind, quick to anger but slow to react. Not with me, though. He is slow to anger, slow to react. Maybe…maybe that’s why love failed me.

What did he do? Did he choose another woman over you?

Absolutely. He absolutely did. He never gave me a chance.

Why does this bother you, so?

It bothers me because that woman hurt him. He was hurt emotionally and psychologically, something he had gone through before.

Do you have a disdain for this woman?

Yes, because she manipulated him into loving her. That’s not love. That’s manipulation. That’s attention seeking. Love should not be forced upon anyone. It should be natural. He deserves that much.

What does she look like?

A woman he would choose. I’ve seen the type of women he likes, the type of women and girls he grew up around, going to a mixed school. The Asian woman, East Asian, or at least Chinese, Vietnamese, or Japanese. Latina women. Light-skinned Black women. She’s biracial. Black and Latina. She’s very pretty, I won’t lie. My bisexuality won’t allow me to lie. She has all of her teeth, she smells nice, she’s smaller than me. She’s light-skinned. Curly hair. 3A/3B. Doesn’t dress modestly, stomach out, tattoos, cleavage pouring out of her too-small Victoria’s Secret bra. She’s perfect for him.

How do you know she’s perfect for him? Did he tell you that?

No. You can tell. When he told me that a small part of him loves her, her antics, her insecurities, her madness, that is when I knew.

You knew what?

That he loved her.

How long have they known each other?

Since September of 2024. They didn’t start catching feelings until that fateful night of her birthday in November.

What happened that night?

He went to her birthday party. According to him, he felt alone and overwhelmed by the number of people he didn’t know. She seemed to fail to properly introduce him to people. He got drunk and went outside to breathe. That’s when she cornered…. no….. went to him, to check on him. They drunkenly sat next to each other, damn near strattling each other. She asked if he did this to all the women he talked to. And then she brought me up. He went silent, afraid to speak in his drunken stupor. I felt that, in that moment, he was hers, and he knew that. Later that evening, around 2 or 3 AM, he called me frantic, crying about how drunk he got and if she touched him inappropriately. I wanted to be there for him, to make sure he made it home safely. It was the first time he called me like that. I was genuinely concerned. I was angry. First, at her, how could she! How could you harm him so! And then later, I was angry at him. Why would you allow yourself to be whisked away by someone who didn’t respect your boundary? Alcohol can’t be the end-all, be-all, right? From there, it went all downhill, fast.

I do have a rather heavy question: When did you realize you loved him?

When we first kissed. It was innocent. I wasn’t expecting him to be into me. Now looking back, it was out of pity. I’ll pity this woman, who is so into me. I don’t think for a moment, now, that it was sincere. It’s the heat of the moment, it feels right. You forget everything you’ve been through or haven’t been through. You don’t care. It kept going. Late-night meet-ups, to do nothing but kiss. I kissed him in various areas, and him feel good.

Did he make you feel good in any of those secret rendezvous?

At the time, he did. The kissing is what got me. But looking back, I was barely aroused. I wanted to, but my body wasn’t comfortable. I wanted us to lie in a bed, cuddled up, his body intertwined with mine. Him inside of me.

So you two never really had a sexual relationship?

No, we did not. There was never any penetration.

Do you think he has had sexual intercourse with her?

Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. She is his now, and he is hers.

Why do you think that?

You can tell when a man stops talking to you about things. He would talk to me all the time about her. Me, trying to be a good friend, would, even in my frustration, try to help him out with the relationship. If he really wanted to be with her, then so be it; after all, he is my friend, and I love him. But why her? It could have been any other woman. I’d prefer any other woman, but her.

Hmmm. So I want to circle back to that night, after that night, what started happening?

We became distant. He became distant with me. I was angry and hurt with him. I tried to be cordial with her. After all, she was to be in his life, and consequently in mine, for a time.

You mention that you tried to be cordial with her. How did that work?

I tried talking to her about it. More so, she desperately wanted to talk to me about everything. So I arranged a lunch for us to have. It went terribly. She had a panic attack afterwards, of course, he was there by her side. Never once checked to see if I was ok. She belittled my intelligence and befuddled my confidence. She said that his type of woman was me. My body, my shape, my personality. She went full-on insecure on me. It was bizarre.

Well, what about you? What do you feel that you bring to the table?

Nothing of importance. I’m Black. Dark-skinned. Fat. Obese. Missing teeth. Unattractive. Short, 4C messy, dirty, hair. And she said he likes what I bring to the table. It took everything in me not to unlock the car and push her into oncoming traffic. I would have happily taken the murder charge.

That’s a little absurd if you ask me. To want to go that far?

Well, I didn’t do it, so that makes me a decent human.

That’s fair. Crazy, but fair. Why do you feel that way about yourself?

I’ve seen how his ex looked. She was beautiful. It’s a shame they went through an abusive relationship that I feel he was a part of. The abuse rather. Yes, she hit him, berated him, and manipulated him. But you can’t lead me to believe that he didn’t do the same, which is why he is the way he is about gender. Which, speaking of, their deep conversations always lead to shared trauma, gender ideologies, and traditionalism. Mainly from her end. It gives him the ick.

I noticed you didn’t answer my question. Why do you feel that way about yourself?

Ask society, ask colonialism, ask white supremacy why I feel this way. Ask about colorism. I’m not going into detail about why I feel this way about myself. It’s the truth. Those reasons are why I feel that way about myself. Society and the social environment as a whole have ruined me.

Ok, I’ll leave that part for way later. So, when did you officially stop speaking to him about her?

I didn’t stop; he stopped. I just respected the silence. But I noticed he started going through family troubles, money troubles, and no telling what was going on with them. It sent him into a very dark place. Talks of suicide were looming over his head. It was bad. So bad that he would start being mean and nasty to me and our other friends. That’s where I drew the line in the sand and went off on him. He has since fixed himself, or whatever he could fix. I’m still pissed that he left our other friend hanging by straight ghosting her.

What happened with the ghosting?

We went to her birthday party, had fun, and then he just ghosted her. Mainly because of her. She had looked her up on social media before meeting her, and she knew from others that I was trying to hook them up before. Now she would have been a decent partner for him, may not have lasted, but they were cute and vibed well with each other.

It does sound like this person has a hold on your friend. Where are you and your friend now?

Faking the funk. I got him some birthday presents, and he got me some birthday presents. I felt like my gifts were really things that he likes that I learned about him. I even wrote him a long letter that made him cry. My gifts were cute, I won’t lie, but after the excitement left, it was just mundane and showed he knew nothing about me, and didn’t care to learn anything about me. My passions, my goals. I’m trying to be cordial with him because he is a friend that I care about,t but I don’t see this going any further this year. He doesn’t see me as a true friend, just somebody he had a fling with for a year, not even a year, a few months. Did I mention this is my first guy friend? I’m very slow to experience things, so I never get first things in my life until decades later. No, I am not counting people in grade school. That does not count. I just feel very empty and lonely inside. This friendship has taken its toll on m,e and I honestly want out. I think I’ll start switching things up and start distancing myself. I hate that I have to initiate conversations when he can just talk to all of his close friends, and she most likely. I am so tired of feeling used emotionally. I feel like he uses me. I want to hang out with him and genuinely do things with him, but it feels like a hassle all the time. I don’t even feel like I’m second-rate, but like some obscure 20th-rate person on his totem pole. I’m just so over all of it. I wish we could have the conversation about everything. I really want closure. I really want to disappear, change my location and number, and just never see him again. That’s what I want. I want to be the ghost, and I know in my heart that I can’t do that.

I think I understand now. You fell in love with your friend, and you feel that he betrayed your feelings for him and that he had feelings for someone he was forced to know, and now you feel that your relationship with him is moot.

It’s ass, and I hate the way I feel about him every single day. Most days it doesn’t bother me much, but other days, sparingly, the emotions hit like a truck, and I’m forced to relive things I don’t want to relive, and it just hurts.

I know you said previously that you plan to move on, will you be doing that? Will you let the friendship stagnate as you move on emotionally?

I don’t have a choice. I can not keep feeling like this. This relationship has completely ruined male friendships for me. All because he’s too slow to analyze things and realize what’s going on. My words were ignored, my love was ignored, and my friendship was ignored. It’s just waiting for the boat to hit the dock so we can go our separate ways.

I appreciate your time today. Do you have any lasting words?

Yes. When love fails you, you feel those emotions, you go through the mental turmoil, no matter how long it takes. And then one day, you get up and you move on.

Again, thank you for your time, and I hope to see you soon in the next post.

Thank you for listening.