I just love seeing individuals have such meaningful friendships and acquaintanceships.

You get into a car accident, and they’re right there. Your best friend, partner, or spouse upsets you; they’re there to listen and give meaningful advice. You’re in pain, have cancer, maybe even dying, and they are right there.

Such a beautiful experience to have, knowing that you have a dependable individual who will always think about you, communicate with you, and be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually there for and with you.

Such a beautiful experience, I wish I could have. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have best friends, I have associates, but I don’t feel like I have someone who truly has my back. I often feel like, due to my environment, I can’t go out of my way to help my friends and associates the way I truly want to. I often try to listen to their cries of joy and pain, but I feel like it’s all for naught, as if it doesn’t connect or mean well.

I guess I wish I had someone I could confide in, someone I could exchange jokes and comments with, and just be a rapscallion towards. These days, it seems like every person I meet, I just don’t connect with on that level. We start out well, but then it fizzles out strongly. To take accountability, I know I’m always too anxious to initiate the conversation because I don’t want to seem like a bother. I’ve always been told that I’m never a bother and can make contact whenever I like. However, when I do make contact, someone is always busy. Whether it’s taking care of family, working, running errands, sleeping, or what have you, I almost never get a quick response. I know I shouldn’t think that way, because people are often busy with life, but I find it very peculiar to always leave me on read until you’re ready to deal with me, yet contact any other friend or associate instantly or within a few moments. I find that to be depressing and disrespectful to say the least.

I guess what hurts me the most is being treated like a fair-weather friend. When you need to rant about random things, or you’re feeling decent, that’s when you’ll talk to me. However, I’m not worthy of supporting you during your hard times or celebrating you when you’re happy and content. It makes me feel like how I’ve always felt, unwanted.

Maybe I’m feeling jealousy and envy, that I cannot have what others possess, I can only dream of those desires from the comfort of my bed. It’s depressing, really. All I can do is not act on those feelings and instead spread gratitude and positivity to all my friends and associates. That’s literally all I can do.

For now, I will continue to contemplate these feelings, understand them, and meditate on how I feel. Clearly, I am not the only person in the world who feels this way. Somehow, that is comforting to me, that this is a normal emotion in this day and age of socialization.