Picture this. It’s a random Tuesday afternoon, and you get a text, a call, or even an online message from a friend, and they tell you about the bad things that are going on in their life. You do what you’ve always done, you be there for them. You comfort them, you talk to them, you let them know that they can get through whatever it is that they’re going through. Whether it’s school, work, family, relationships, or life in general, you’re there to support them and get them through. But what happens when you’re only called for the negative things that they’re going through and never the good things?

You start to feel like maybe you’re just not good enough to be in their life like that. That’s what I’m feeling. I’m trying not to make it about me, because I want to be available for when people do need to talk, but what is it about me where people can’t call, text, or DM me to laugh, to show me something funny, or to just say that they are loving and living life?

I am honestly tired of being used this way. I always think about just saying something, but I never want to ruffle any feathers and ruin an otherwise good relationship. I need to figure out, from my natal chart, why I am set up this way. It’s frustrating not to be part of someone’s good times. I’m only used for when they have issues, and it’s like, should I just drop going to school and be a psychology major and be a therapist? Because that’s all people use me for. Like, I’m not good enough to be in your life when you’re having your ups. Maybe I’m too controlling and make people uncomfortable to the point where they don’t want to show me their good sides, but that makes no sense to me. I want to be genuinely happy for people and to cheer them on.

I just feel so lost and, honestly, appalled by the thought. I want to get out of this so badly. I think I just need to stop giving a shit. If you can’t allow me to be happy for you during your uptimes, why should I care that you’re going through tough times?

For example, I have two close friends in real life, not online, who confide in me both their losses and their wins. I appreciate it because it gives me an outlook to look forward to that not everything is doom and gloom. I don’t expect them to tell me everything, any more than I tell them everything, because some things you just keep to yourself. But I appreciate what I am allowed to know, and I give back that kindness and respect. Respect. Maybe that’s it. I’m not being respected for my time, mental, and emotional energy from people, and that has got to stop. I will not be disrespected any longer. If you can’t allow me to celebrate with you when you’re up, then don’t expect me to be there for you in the trenches when you’re down. I expect equal exchange, and I am not receiving it.

I dunno. I’ll figure this one out. I’ll just start making my moves. I’ll be caring because I can’t help but care, but I’ll stop taking things to heart, which will be hard for me because I care about people who seem to care about me, and just in general. I just feel down when this happens. You can see the person cutting up with everybody else, but wants to be vulnerable with you all the time, but can’t cut up with you. It’s a torture I wouldn’t wish on a normal person, only an enemy.